


Truth's Amusement

by TheWarriorpony



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: But then I abandoned it, Crossover, Ed gets along waaaay too well with the twins, Edward Elric Is A Little Shit, Gen, Hogwarts Fourth Year, I promise, Not a crack fic, Not a ship fic, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, This is going somewhere, Truth is a slightly taller little shit, because of course they do, but a little bit cracky, the golden trio gets involved, years ago
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-23 06:14:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23007013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWarriorpony/pseuds/TheWarriorpony
Summary: Ed has finally found a way to get Al back, when Truth offers him a deal he can't refuse. With an uncertain goal in mind and an unwanted guest in his head, he is sent to a completely different world.There the appearance of a strange blonde boy, whose language even translation spells don’t recognize, will change the course of wizarding history...if school doesn't kill him first.
Comments: 61
Kudos: 278
Collections: FMA At Hogwarts





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had originally written this in 2016 and posted it on ff.net, but then I abandoned it. Now I'm suddenly in the mood to continue writing. The first three chapters will be completely rehauled, so even though the plot will be the same, the writing won't be.   
> The dialogue at the beginning is taken word for word from the English dub of that scene.  
> This will span the entire fourth year with all the triwizard shenanigans that implies. Ed is therefore 17 in this story. Idk, Ed was 12 when they commited human transmutation or something.

_“I take it you’re here to retrieve your brother? Just how do you plan on pulling an entire human out of here? What’s your payment? Do you intend to offer your own body?”_

“Yeah I’ve got your payment right here” Ed pointed at the Gate behind him. “So, go ahead and take it!”

For the first time ever, Truth seemed taken off guard.

 _“This thing is_ **_my_ ** _portal of Truth so I get to make the decision on how it’s used. Is that right?”_ Ed said with a smug grin. Quickly, Truth’s look of surprise morphed into a knowing cackle.

 _“It’s come to that.”_ The cackle intensifies _. “And you’re sure about this? You do realize you’ll never be able to perform alchemy again without your portal.”_

For the first time since arriving, Ed turned to look at the Gate and smiled. “I’m aware of that. This Portal, I know it contains every secret alchemy has to offer. However, it also led me astray. I saw the Truth that lies within it and became convinced I could solve everything with Alchemy, but I couldn’t possibly have been more wrong. That was just arrogance.”

 _“You’re willing to cast it aside? To lower yourself to a simple human.”_ Truth asked gleefully.

“What do you mean lower myself? That’s the only thing I’ve ever been. Just a simple human who couldn’t save a little girl, not even with alchemy.”

_“You’re sure you’ll be alright without it? Think carefully now.”_

Still smiling, Ed had to think of all the people he had befriended over his journey, every single one of them waiting for him to come home, invested in his struggles. He turned to look at Truth properly again and offered it a bright grin. “Who even needs Alchemy, when I’ve got them?”

 _“You’ve done it! That’s the right answer!”_ Ed clapped and turned around to deconstruct his gate.

_“But”_

He stopped in his tracks, moments before making contact. He could feel the alchemic energy waiting to be released.

“But what? You said that was the right answer! What else could there be?”

 _“Nothing really. You really have beaten me. Congratulations Edward Elric!”_ Ed turned back again to through an incredulous look at the grinning god.

“Then why stop me, you bastard? I’m so close to finally taking Al home”

 _“Well, I have a deal to offer to you. More equivalent exchange, if you will”_ Oh no, here it goes _“In addition to your brother’s body you can have everything else I’ve taken from your friends over the years. As you know, I do like to keep the originals around. There’s a version of me with your teacher’s insides floating around. It’s quite macabre, really. You could get back your leg, your Colonel’s eyesight and those insides I mentioned. I’ll even throw in some life energy for your dear dying dad. He’s been such a help in getting rid of that pesky little Dwarf, wouldn’t you agree? What do you say? I know you’re resigned to walking around on automail until the day you die, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”_

Ed really couldn’t care less about his leg. Winry would probably get depressed if she had nothing to fix, but the Bastard’s eyesight? Compared to the other sacrifices, he had done nothing to deserve that particular brand of equivalent exchange. And he knew that Hohenheim and Teacher would most likely not last much longer. If nothing else, it would give Al the chance to have a father he can hug with his own body for a while longer.

“This offer is too good to be true. What do you want in exchange? Nothing I have could be worth all of that.” Suspicion clear in his voice.

_“What I want from you is a year of your time, dear Mr. Al-che-mist.”_

“Huh?” that was not what he had expected.

 _“Like you said, nothing you have is worth all of these traded body parts, but you must have realized that the things I trade in are not measured in weight or numbers. You could say I trade in potential, with the occasional dash of dark irony. For my own personal amusement, of course. Your time, applied to the right situations could yield incredible results. You see, I am a bit bored around here. With your brother gone, I’ll need new entertainment. And you, my dear Edward Elric, are one of the most amusing of all.”_ They paused _“Especially for one so small.”_

“Shut up!”, Ed was growing impatient, “Your bullshit blabbering is nice’n all, but you still haven’t actually explained to me what you want. I could be home right now.”

“ _Ah yes of course. Always such a short temper.”_ Ed’s eye twitched _“That door behind you? You think it only leads back to your world? Think again! You really aren’t that special in the grand scheme of things. If all I did was wait around for your world’s alchemists to come around and play, I would die of boredom”_

What a drama queen. Ed wasn’t entirely shocked though. The physicists at Central U had been yammering on about potential parallel universes for years now. Not exactly his wheelhouse, but he did leaf through the occasional Central Science magazine. He had neglected his subscription in recent months though. Hard to tell them your home address, when you’re fucking around in the forest as a state fugitive. He bet Central U’s physics department would shit a brick if he went up to them and said “Hey Suckers, The humanoid arbiter of alchemy, aka God confirmed you’re right! K, Bye!”

“ _One of these universes..., well let’s just say there are a few things there that could do with a nudge in the right direction. What a prime opportunity to have some fun for you and me, hm? Can’t tell you what they are of course. That would spoil the surprise. And I do so love surprises. I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually. I can already imagine the look on your face when you do. Either way, I’ll send you there, you’ll do some things for me and after one year you’ll be back to Amestris and your family will have all their body parts back. Easy Breezy, Mr. Al-che-mist. Your brother gets to go home immediately, of course.”_ Truth had stood up at this point and Ed could see that his leg, like his arm, wasn’t in particularly good shape.

Ed stared at Truth incredulously. Truth couldn’t be for real. They themselves had said that they weren’t telling him the whole truth, but Ed also didn’t think they were lying. Ed wasn’t even sure they could rescind on a deal once it was made. If the arbiter of equivalent exchange declared your deal equivalent exchange, it had to be, right? One year of his time for what amounted to longer lives for Hohenheim and Teacher and giving Mustang back what was unfairly stolen. He did owe the bastard 520 cens after all. He wouldn’t really mind not having to deal with phantom pains ever again either, if he was being completely honest. Also that thing still attached to Truth desperately needed some physiotherapy. He could deal with one year.

“I’ll do it under one condition. You’ll tell Al exactly what is going on. I don’t want him to think I sacrificed my life for him. You’ll tell him I’ll be back in one year on the dot and that the others will have their bodies restored.”

“ _No problem Mr. Al-che-mist. Your demand won’t even cost you extra. I’ll tell him the full and honest Truth.”_ they snickered. “ _Deal?”_ they said and extended what used to be Ed’s arm in invitation.

Ed stepped towards the grinning bastard and took the offered hand. The moment he touched it, he felt the air shift behind him and he moved to spin around, but what looked like a copy of Truth had already shoved their hand into his back and his brain exploded with pain. If he had thought going for the Portal of Truth was an intense experience, it had nothing on this. He collapsed on the floor clutching his throbbing head. Millions of images flooded his brain, while hearing Truths cackle from seemingly everywhere.

“What are you doing, you see-through asshole?” he managed to grit out through clenched teeth. He felt like he was about to die.

“ _Didn’t I mention? I’m coming with you on your little trip. So much more engaging, than just watching from above.”_ Their voice echoing right between his ears.

Before he could register what that meant, the Gate opened behind him and familiar black hands shot out and wrapped around his limbs. In too much pain and all too aware that nothing he could do would stop them, he didn’t fight for once and let them drag him into the darkness.

 _“Oh, and I forgot to mention the magic.”_ he heard that multi-layered voice call out gleefully before he finally lost consciousness.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You people have no clue how badly I wanted to write "Hard to tell them your home address, when you’re fucking around in the forest, giving akward handjobs to a future emperor" instead. But alas, 'tis not that kind of fic.


	2. Chapter 1: First Contact

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's chapter 1. I hope ya'll like it. For those still familiar with the old version. I decided to put the end of chapter 1 at the beginning of chapter 2 because I think it will flow better.  
> There also won't be a consistant update schedule. Though with all students being kicked out of uni now because of the virus, I might seriously get some shit done.  
> For those who commented on the last chapter, I will love you forever.  
> Anyway, enjoy!

The ministry was bustling with activity when Kingsley Shacklebolt stepped out of a fireplace into the Atrium. His mission had been to investigate a magical anomaly in a small town in Hertfordshire. Terrified Boggy Bottomers had been reporting strange sightings of a six feet tall boar with purple fur. After 3 long days tracking the thing, they had finally caught and contained it. They then traced its magic back to a local witch, who’s transfiguration experiments had gone woefully wrong. Many muggles had had to be obliviated, many leaves and twigs had had to be cleaned out of Auror robes and hair, and several glasses of fire whiskey were necessary. In other words, Kingsley was tired.

He was about to step into the elevator to the Auror Bureau of Magical Crime and Misdemeanours to hand in his report, when a bright, blinding light filled the Atrium. Immediately, Kingsley’s Auror instincts set in. He shut his eyes and listened. Over the confused shouting of the other occupants of the hall he could make out a harsh crackling sound coming from the ceiling, almost like a particularly strong Baubillious charm.

The Auror promptly pointed his wand upwards and moved towards the noise, trying not to crash into any of the panicking occupants. Slowly the light seemed to dim until it was dark enough for Kingsley to be able to open his eyes safely. He gazed upwards and saw that there were indeed arcs of lightning racing across the ceiling. The brightness flared up again and a strange magical crest slowly began to draw itself into the air, speeding up as it continued.

The crackle of blue lightning discharge grew louder, when suddenly the crest split down the middle and cracked open to reveal a large ominous eye, staring down unseeingly into the hall. Then a noise, not unlike rustling paper, joined the lightning and something that was rapidly falling towards the floor started to appear right underneath the eye. 

Kinsley didn’t hesitate. He ran towards it and ordered: “Everyone, stand back!” It wasn’t too long before it had fully formed into a human being and it took Kingsley a split second to realize that they would break their neck if they made contact with the ground. He acted on impulse. He shouted: “Mobilicorpus!” and caught the figure.

He slowly lowered them on the floor. The unconscious boy, he now realized, looked about the age of an older Hogwarts student. He had bright blonde hair in a sloppy dishevelled braid and his clothes were completely torn and covered in blood and dirt. Most strangely, most of him was much more muscular than most wizards ever think would be possible, but his right arm looked dangerously malnourished. The shoulder it was attached to was marred by a gruesome scar with bits of metal sticking out randomly from the knotted tissue. 

“Stand back everybody! This is Auror business! We do not know what will happen if he wakes up.”, he shouted. By now, the boy was surrounded by several other Aurors, all pointing their wands at the unmoving figure.

“If nothing else, he seems to be in desperate need of medical attention.” His colleague, John Dawlish, said. “We should take him to the infirmary”

“You’re right, John, but we should probably incapacitate him first. We don’t want him to wake up suddenly and we don’t know what he is capable of. Stun him”

* * *

When Shacklebolt entered his office, Cornelius was thoroughly enjoying his afternoon tea. Margaret had made those fantastic lavender shortbread biscuits again.

“Minister Fudge, I have to report that an unknown entity has suddenly appeared in the Atrium.”

He finished chewing his biscuit and swallowed uncomfortably. “Ah, Mr Shacklebolt! What are you saying? Has another precocious fool apparated into the ministry? That’s a bit below my paygrade wouldn’t you say? It’s below yours even.” he laughed.

“No Minister.” he didn’t seem amused. “The boy, approximately around 16 years old appeared in a flash of lightning in what seems like the result of a very dark ritual. He is highly injured and he currently resides in the infirmary. We have not yet been able to identify whether he is friend or foe, but everything about his appearance is cause for more questions. I would ask you to survey the situation personally, as this could be a matter of national security.”

Cornelius sighed. He did not want to deal with this. Too-smart-for-their-own-good youngsters messing with dark magic had caused the last wizarding war. The last thing Cornelius needed was someone disturbing the calm again. Especially now when the Quidditch world championship would be held in Britain. It could be disastrous for their reputation. But needs must.

He put down his half eaten shortbread, gave the full cup of tea a wistful look. It would probably be cold by the time he came back and reheated tea was just the worst. With a heavy sigh, he set off to the infirmary.

* * *

Cornelius was immediately greeted by Head Healer Augustine Pye upon entering the medical ward. The woman, grey-haired, portly and quick to irritate, was considered the utmost authority on medical matters of the magical persuasion.

“I am beyond puzzled, Cornelius.”

“Truly Augustine? Your expertise usually knows no equal. Do tell!” Oh no, a mystery. He was never going back to his tea, was he?

“See for yourself.” She said, while already turning around to walk away. “The boy is a mess of contradictions, but the strangest thing by far is that despite the way he appeared, there is not a single trace of magic on him. The residue on him should be thick enough to feel. But there’s nothing!”

They had reached the bed at this point. Fudge startled at how strange his appearance was, even with most him covered by blankets.

“When he was brought in, he was covered in cuts and bruises. His physical trauma was extensive. We’ve healed those by now and we’ve checked for any magical damage, but again there’s nothing. He might be a muggle, but even if he is, he must have had contact with some kind of magic because there’s no other way to explain how he arrived. Besides, there is plausible evidence that his right arm was regrown and probably fairly recently to boot.”

Great, just perfect, a muggle caught up in strange magical occurrences. Even if they could just obliviate him and send him on his way, this would probably launch a long, drawn out investigation into which felon was flaunting the statute of secrecy again. They might have to send a memo to the Daily Prophet to keep this under wraps. Cornelius shuddered at the thought of a repeat of the Sirius black panic while all the world’s eye's were on them.

“The reason why I am almost certain of that, is that he has a leg prosthetic.” She uncovered his left leg. His was completely made out of metal from the knee down, but its articulation was beyond anything he’d ever seen before. 

“As you know, Cornelius. As magic users we are not in need of prosthetic technology. We regrow limbs. The only reason why we would have to replace a limb, was if it was cursed off by dark magic. This prosthetic is much more advanced than anything even the muggles have. If he had thought this was a possibility, nothing would have stopped old Mad-Eye from getting one like this, even if it was muggle technology.  
It really is astonishing, but it’s also horrifying. The metal is bolted directly into his leg and it looks like it was done a long time ago, judging by how well it’s healed. He must have been a child. What’s more, is that his arm has pieces of metal from the same alloy embedded in it. It’s almost as if someone had regrown his arm without taking his broken prosthetic off before. It’s quite gruesome. Also, his regrown arm is completely malnourished. The boy is remarkably muscular, but that arm looks like it belongs to a person who is starving to death.”

She then went on to uncover his right arm. She was right. The whole display was downright uncomfortable to look at.

“Yes, yes. That does seem to be highly suspect. Have you been able to find anything about his identity?”

“Well, someone with such distinct features should be easy to identify. Have I mentioned the golden eyes yet?” She bent down to pull open the boy’s eyelids. “You would think he was a lycanthrope with eyes like these, but he was tested negative. Our inquiries have been mostly shallow so far, but no one with his description has turned up. The only thing we have found so far was a pocket watch he was carrying. We checked it for magic of course, but it also turned up clean. But honestly, this is really not my job. Have the Aurors check again.” 

Augustine handed him a beautiful time piece with a dragon crest embossed on the lid. From the look of it, it had to be some kind of heirloom. Sadly however, it seemed that the boy had taken dismal care of it. It was banged up and scratched all over, and it was even covered in small drops of dried blood. What a shame that such a beautiful piece had been wasted on this boy. He turned it around and saw that there was writing engraved on the back, but he did not recognize the alphabet. He tried opening it, but it wouldn’t budge. He pulled out his wand and pointed it at the watch.

“Alohomora”

It popped open. 

It looked like a regular pocket watch, but inside there were letters of the same alphabet scratched haphazardly into the lid.

“What do you make of this, Augustine?”

“Frankly, like I said, this is not my problem. I’m a healer, not a linguist. Contact someone who can help you with this because it isn’t me.” She paused, “Dumbledore might be able to help you. The man speaks dozens of languages and even if he doesn’t know this one he’s incredibly well connected in the academic world. That’s probably your safest bet”

Fudge had been contemplating that option, mostly because the boy was clearly not of age and if he turned out to be magical, he could foist him off on Dumbledore anyway. Dealing with minors legally was an absolute chore. Better to just stick him in school.

“I will consider it. Thank you for your input Augustine. As always, your expertise knows no equal. Do you have an Owl I can use?”

* * *

The owl reached Albus’s office while he was having a charming conversation with Poppy in the hospital wing about the merits of using homemade skellegrow as opposed to store bought. He had been procrastinating finishing some of the paperwork needed for the increased food purchasing that would be necessary as soon as the Durmstrang and Beauxbaton students arrived. He was just as guilty of putting off tedious work sometimes as his students.

The owl was not one he knew but he recognized Cornelius’ crest in the wax seal even from afar. Albus had to sigh. The minister kept bothering him about trivial things, like making sure Viktor Krum would be treated like royalty for the fifth time. Lest the quidditch star would get a bad impression of the country. He reluctantly bid Pomona to give him a few minutes to deal with it and opened the letter.

Well wasn’t this interesting?

“I’m sorry Pomona, but it seems like we are going to have to postpone this fascinating discussion” he said after a minute. “It seems like I need to go immediately”

He bade the nurse goodbye and headed into his private quarters and took his personal fireplace to floo to the Ministry. He headed to the medical wing in 5th floor and found Fudge playing with his hat in the waiting area.

“You have called for me Minister?”

The man startled and dropped his hat.

“Ah yes, Professor! There’s, uhm, a situation” he hastily stammered and got out of his chair. “Please follow me. As I have explained in the letter, an unidentifiable young man appeared in the Atrium. He has been unconscious since he arrived and truly, everything about him is most unusual, but I will let Augustine explain the situation further.”

“Augustine Pye is heading the case? I haven’t seen her in years. Such a brilliant witch, even when she was my student. Always had a temper that one.” Albus said conversationally, while walking into the room.

“I wouldn’t need to have a temper if other people were less incompetent” the witch in question said haughtily, then her face brightened and she started laughing. “Professor, how are you?”

“Oh, I’m marvellous. Quite stressed at the moment. You must have heard that the Triwizard tournament is held at Hogwarts this year and there is oh so much to organize. How’s the wife and kids? They’ll be old enough to go to Hogwarts soon, am I right?”

“Yes, my dear Ellaria is 10 now and Mattheos is 8. Ellie is devastated when she found out that she would miss the tournament. Winnie is doing really well too, but she still tends to blow her potions up. She’s such a ditz” Augustine said fondly. “But as nice as catching up is, that’s not why you’re here, is it?”

“Yes, please explain the situation!” Cornelius piped up from behind him.

“Well Professor, you see…”

* * *

Ed was breathing in the clean Resembool air. He was lying on the grass he was supposed to be cutting on Granny’s porch.

“Ed! Are you being lazy again?” he heard Al call out from inside the house.

“Oh give me a break! I’ve been doing this shit since I got up” he whined. “Besides, I missed this.” He murmured.

“You do realize it’s only 10 am and you’ve been up for an hour now?” Al had now appeared over him and was grinning smugly down at him.

“Stop calling me out and lie down with me.”

“The day I stop calling you out on your bullshit, is the day I die” he replied sagely, even as he was slowly lowering himself down onto the ground. His muscles were still weak.

“Oh I didn’t think. Do you need help?” he was already trying to get up.

Al rolled his eyes and clapped. Before he knew what was going on, his legs were pinned to the ground. “Relax brother, stop mothering me”

“Ugh, fine” have it your way. He clapped his own hands and undid Al’s leg tie. Then he plopped back down onto the grass and closed his eyes.

“I know I’ve said it before, but thanks.” Al broke the comfortable silence after a few minutes.

“Huh? What for?” Ed murmured, half asleep.

“ _For getting his body back of course, Mr. Al-che-mist. That was so nice of you”_

“Yeah, yeah, Al, no problem, wait…what the fuck?” he shot up and looked at his brother. A disturbingly bright grin was splitting open his face. “ _You didn’t forget about me, did you?”_

“What the fuck are you doing with my brother? Leave him alone!” Ed jumped up and was already in high alert and ready to attack.

But the next time Ed blinked, Al was gone.

 _“Oh, don’t work yourself up. It’s a dream.”_ Truth-Al whispered in his ear from behind him _._ Ed whirled around and punched where the voice was coming from.

“ _Be careful with that. You could hurt somebody._ ” The bastard crooned from 3 meters away.

“You still haven’t told me what you’re doing. Where’s the real Al?” he growled.

 _“Why? Haven’t I told you I’m coming with you on your little trip? I’m just here to wake you up. You’ve been unconscious for far too long.”_ Truth was suddenly right in his face. Al’s precious features still twisted into that horrifying grin. _“It’s time to do your job.”_

“You still haven’t told me what you did with Al. Just fucking spit it out!”

_“I sent him home of course, as promised. I would never go back on a promise. You don’t trust me? I’m wounded. I even told him where you are. He’s home crying into that princess’s arms about what a self-sacrificing idiot you are.”_

_“_ Ok fine, you’ve kept your promise, now what do you want with me?” Ed finally relaxed a bit, upon hearing that Al was ok.

_“Why, I want you to wake up. Wake up Mr. Alch-e-mist! Wake up...”_

“Rennervate”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Boggy Bottom is an actual town in the UK because of course it is. As are Brown Willy, Twatt and Minge Lane.
> 
> -Baubillious is a charm that creates white sparks. I was trying to explain the sound of electrical discharge from the perspective of a pureblood wizard, who probably has no clue what that sounds like. 
> 
> -I am aware at how incredibly invasive the Healer’s treatment of Ed is. But let’s be honest. The medical staff in Harry Potter don’t really have the best bedside manner. They would absolutely heal his bruises, do blood tests, check him for magical residue, go through his belongings and test for magical illnesses based on his eye colour without ever waiting to ask for Ed’s opinion about any of it.


End file.
